Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Thank You

                                         I'm just now getting to use my computer today since my youngest has hijacked it. It's crunch time for her with the end of the school year and she's had several papers to write. I started to reply to everyone's comments and decided to heck with it I'll comment in a post.
                                    Thank you all for your support and all the cyber hugs, I really needed that. We did get a chance to talk briefly over the weekend and it went well. I let him know that I was feeling neglected and he acknowledged that he had been neglecting that part of our relationship. I also let him know how his seeming lack of interest and the fact that the lack of intimacy doesn't seem to phase him makes me feel. He assured me that he's still very interested and it bothers him too and asked that I be patient while he makes the adjustment with the new job. He also seemed quite amused by the fact that I've been "frustrated" by this dry spell.  His eyes actually lit up and he got a wicked grin on his face when I told him how frustrated I was. 
                                 Just knowing that he understands where I'm coming from and that he's also feeling a little frustrated goes a long way in reassuring me and calming my fears. I know I shouldn't doubt him or us, but sometimes those old insecurities rear their ugly heads. I am getting better at beating them back. Before I would have sulked for awhile and lashed out at him, but as everyone reminded me communication works much better. There were no arguments, tears or nasty remarks and we even got a chance to play  a little and reconnect. So thank you all once again for reminding me to do what I should have done in the first place.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Rejection Sucks

                               I hate the way I feel right now. I'm angry and sad and  I feel neglected and unwanted, much like I used to feel a lot of the time. I realize that there is going to be a period of adjustment with his new job, but does that mean that pretty much everything grinds to a halt and for how long?
                              Here I sit on a Friday night, our youngest is  spending the night at a friends, our oldest is out with her boyfriend and I don't have to go to work. We should be enjoying each other and taking advantage of an empty house, but here I sit all alone upset and frustrated. I never stood a chance he was asleep on the couch before I made it out of the shower. Last week was the same -after we saw our youngest off to prom ( she looked beautiful by the way) I told him we had the house to ourselves for several hours and his response was "Sorry honey I'm just too tired."
                             I'm tired too, but I still need that connection and rejection really sucks. Then I feel guilty because I should be more understanding. He gets up early and has to work all week, but you know what? So do I and I'm still willing and wanting. 
                                I'm trying to be patient, but that's easier said than done. There has to be some balance here. He has to realize that the longer this part of our relationship gets put on the back burner the longer it takes to get back. Feelings of resentment build up and they become harder to deal with. 
                                 I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to feel this way anymore. It hurts too much and I don't like the person I become. I've got to find a way to make him understand without complaining or whining, but I feel as if that's what he"ll hear when I try to talk to him and I'm afraid of being rejected again when I try to initiate any intimacy. It becomes a vicious cycle - I get rejected, then I don't try and I become angry with him because he isn't initiating intimacy and everything breaks down.
                                 I used to think if we were working the same shift it would help, but even the nights I'm home he doesn't seem interested. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope we find it soon because I really don't want to go down this road again. I want to get back to the place we were before and feel safe and secure once again.                         

Monday, May 6, 2013

Girls Night Out

                              My girls and by my girls I mean my two daughters don't often get a chance to do things just the three of us. My oldest may still live at home, but she's got a life of her own. Between her job, her friends and the boyfriend sometimes it seems as if "home" is just a crash pad. I get to spend more time with my youngest, but even that time gets less and less as she gets older, so when it was announced that one of our favorite bands was coming to town we jumped at the chance to have a mother/daughter night out.
                               We're lucky to have a decent sized venue to attract some good music groups even though our town isn't all that big. Every few years this band comes through and since the first time we saw them we make a point to catch them whenever they come to town.  Last time we saw them we swore that next time we would be down on the floor so we could move about and dance more easily, but Mr. D ordered the tickets and he wanted me to be able to sit if my leg started to bother me. I promised the girls that next time we will be on the floor no matter what.
                                We all had a good time while Dad and the boyfriend were left to fend for themselves. Not to worry they survived without us and my girls and I got a chance to bond. Today things are back to normal, the girls are back to their own lives and Mom is on the sidelines, but I'm left with a nice memory until the next time.
                          This is one of the songs they preformed last night. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.
                            Shinedown " I'll Follow You Down." 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Want vs. Need

                              Sometimes the line between wanting something and needing it becomes blurry. If I want something badly enough does that mean I need it? 
                               I used to wonder if being submissive to my husband and allowing him to dominate me was something I really needed or just something that I thought I wanted. Do I really need him to set limits for me? I am an adult after all and I know what I should and shouldn't do. I should be capable of handling the responsibilities of home, kids, work,finances,health issues ( my own and those of other family members) right? Well yeah - up to a point.
                             Sometimes I need him to remind me of things I need to do and give me consequences. I have a tendency to get distracted and "forget." Sometimes I take on too much at once and I need him to take on more or make me slow down and take a step back. At times I need him to make the decisions because I don't always make the right choices or I'm just too tired,stressed or overwhelmed at the moment. It takes a load off my shoulders and allows me to breathe.
                                  There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and I start spiraling out of control. These are the times I really need him to step in and take control. It may just be sending me to bed because I've worked all night and I'm freaking out because I'm trying to catch up on housework or laundry or something else that I feel "needs" done. And there are other times when I'm stressed that yes  I need a good "beating." It gets me out of my own head, lets me forget about all the crap and releases the stress that I'm carrying around. I feel so relaxed afterwards and sleep so much better. Who needs ambien?
                                  I need him to push my limits and not just sexually. Sometimes I become complacent or just don't act out of fear or worry. I worry about what other people will think, or that I'll look stupid or worse yet that I will fail. I can get stuck in the same damn place for too long and it isn't always a good place to be. 
                                     There are some people who just seem to be able to do it all and make it look so easy. They're organised and always put together. They seem to be on top of everything and not much ruffles their feathers. I'm not one of those people. I'm far from helpless and I don't need to be micromanaged - Mr. D has no patience for managing all the little details of my day to day existence - but I feel I need his dominance in order to grow and function better. 
                            Wanting to explore a D/s relationship has turned into needing his dominance. It has helped with my self confidence and made me feel more wanted and important to him. There was a time not too long ago when I didn't feel as if he still wanted me and I felt as if I wasn't a priority and feeling important and wanted is definitely something I need. 
                                The added bonus is because I feel more secure and cared for I am more able to give him what he wants and hopefully what he needs. I am less irritable, angry and bitchy and in turn I'm not only willing to do for him I'm happy to do so. Pleasing him has become not just something that I want, but something I need because it makes us both happy and I don't just want us to be happy I need for both of us to be happy.

Monday, April 15, 2013


                                               I haven't gone anywhere, just been busy. In fact I should be getting my house cleaned and catching up on laundry, but I haven't had much of a chance to read more than a blog post here and there let alone write one. I've had a few thoughts for a post , but just never seem to have the time to sit down and put them together. Today is no different, so if it sounds as if I'm rambling I apologize.
                            Mr. D started his new job two weeks ago and we're all trying to adjust to the new schedule. We're used to him having more flexibility. Barely two weeks into his new job and I've been released to return to full duty which means we'll be working opposite shifts again. I'm hoping that once his benefits kick in I'll be able to find something else that will allow me work normal hours. I've considered leaving steady nights, but would then have to rotate shifts and my co-workers who would have to pick up more nights would probably revolt.
                             I have mixed feelings about being back to work at full capacity. I'm still slower than I want(need) to be and I still have a fair amount of pain in my hip and knee and we are so understaffed that I hope I can keep up. The doctor has put PT on hold for now, but says we'll reevaluate in two weeks. I think I can still benefit from therapy, my leg definitely needs to get stronger.
                              Things are pretty vanilla around here for the moment and probably will be until we get adjusted to the new routine. I guess we'll just have to get more creative and make the most of the time that we can manage to carve out together.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Another First

                                                           Mr. D and I have experienced a lot of firsts in our relationship, but this last year we have had a lot more new experiences and firsts . This weekend we attended our first munch and visited a dungeon and play party.
                                                      We had dinner at a restaraunt in a community about an hour from where we live and met a number of very nice people. Most of the people were close to our age or a little older which surprised me a little, I had visions of a bunch of 20 somethings. There's nothing wrong with people in their twenties, but we definitely felt more comfortable and less self conscious being in a group of strangers that included people closer to our age. The woman I sat next to was very helpful. She knows people in the community in our city and was able to give me contact information so we could attend a munch right at home. We talked quite a bit and she explained to me that she is an owned and collared slave who has been with her Master for five years. She is also a nurse and nurses are very trustworthy- take my word for it.   She put me very much at ease as did everyone we got a chance to talk to.
                                                     After dinner we headed over to the "dungeon" and stayed for the party. I got to witness electrical play and the participants were very gracious about answering my questions and I even got to experience a little jolt ( just touching hands briefly- I wasn't brave enough to jump in and play.) There were a few people doing fire play and one of them also incorporating cupping. Mr. D has always had a fascination with fire and was definitely interested in learning more about the technique. I found him and  one of the gentleman   in deep conversation about this very subject and he suggested we attend an event where someone he considers to be highly skilled will be demonstrating.
                                                          Mr. D was also very interested in seeing the St. Andrews cross up close. He has a number of large 1x6's that he's been itching to use in a project. I have no idea where we'll keep a St. Andrews cross, but I suppose if he decides to make one he'll find a place.
                                                              All in all it was a very interesting evening, definitely different than our usual night out. It was nice to meet other people who are interested and  experienced in some of the things that interest us and I hope to see and have a chance to talk with them again.                      

Monday, March 18, 2013

When The Bottom Falls Out

                             Subdrop is one of those topics you come across occasionally. It was something I had read about a few times, thought okay and then filed the information away somewhere in my brain and then never really gave much thought to it again.
                            Then it happened to me and at first I couldn't figure out what the heck was happening. I felt shaky, not shaking, but off kilter not right.Initially I thought I was having a reaction to medication- I had this type of reaction before to certain meds- but I hadn't taken any medication. It was rather disconcerting. I felt restless and weepy even though I wasn't sad, hell I had just been almost euphoric a short time ago.
                            My poor husband wasn't sure what to do for me and I wasn't sure what to tell him. Fortunately that tucked away information started to come to me and I was able to recognize that what I was feeling was a form of subdrop.  One of us had to pick up our youngest from school and since I wasn't in any shape to drive   that left him. I felt the best thing to do was curl up in bed and try to sleep it off. He tucked me in and brought my phone to me in case  I needed anything. 
                           I felt somewhat better when I woke up and first thing the next morning, but that afternoon I was irritable and short with everyone, the fact that the kids weren't being as cooperative as I would have liked and he yelled at me along with the kids didn't help.
                              Over the next several days I wouldn't say he was distant, I think he was just hesitant to be physical because he was nervous about what had happened. Wanting him to know I was fine I decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and show him. All it took was me asking "Hey how would you like a blow job?"
                                   That one little question was all it took. Afterwards we snuggled and talked about what had happened. We discussed the fact that we had played for a longer time than normal and had pushed some new boundaries. He said the scariest thing for him was having to leave me alone when I was in that state and we discussed allowing more time for aftercare when we have a long intense session. He also joked about keeping chocolate handy. I won't object, who can say no to great sex followed by chocolate? I also realize that I should at least have a light meal earlier and stay well hydrated before and after- play on an empty stomach probably isn't a good idea.
                              I've done a lot of research on the internet concerning ttwd and have found this blogging community to be the best resource. It was from reading fellow blogger's posts that I was able to recognize and deal with my episode of subdrop. I'm not looking forward to it happening again, but think I'll be better prepared thanks to the information that this community has provided.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Catching Up

                                               I just can't seem to keep up with this posting everyday, but I'm going to try to catch up a little here. I may end up abandoning it,but I'm willing to give it a go.
                                 The next thing on the list is three inspirational quotes. I can never remember them, but here is one that I read recently and it stuck with me. 
                                "When one door closes another opens. Or you can just open the door, that's how doors work."                                  
                               Another quote that spoke to me was from a book by Maria Schriver. It was something her mom had told her growing up and as a working mother it spoke to me.
                                 "You can have it all, just not at the same time." I know that's only two, but it's all I've got.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Our Song

                                                          I'm a little behind with today's post. It should have been posted yesterday actually, but it's harder than I though to post everyday. This is my first time uploading a video so I hope I did it right. It's a quirky little song that has kind of become mine and Mr. D's song. It's not the most romantic of love songs, but it's ours.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Best Vacation Spot

                                    For me the best vacation spot was a little place in the Florida Keys. Mr. D and I had a chance to spend a few days in Islamorada   some years BC (before children.) It was spring so it wasn't the tourist season, but the weather was gorgeous unlike back home where it was gray and rainy.
                                    I remember walking down the street to a little thatch roofed open air bar and thinking it was so cool that instead of people driving and parking their cars they pulled up to the dock in their boats. The people were so friendly and quite a few of them were transplants from our neck of the woods. The bar boasted that it had the best view of the most beautiful sunset in the world and it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. 
                                       I have fond memories of Mr. D  and I making love in the swimming pool of our condo. Thankfully he had the foresight to disconnect the lights that were strung up above the pool area because another couple was out for a moonlight stroll. I don't think they saw much, but it was pretty obvious what was going on.
                                         My husband decided with the ocean right in our backyard he had to do some fishing. Since he had no gear he went to a local store hoping to rent a fishing pole and tackle. The guy who owned the store told him he didn't have any fishing gear for rent so he lent Mr. D his pole and just asked him to return it when he was done. Mr. D kept trying to pay him, but the man wouldn't accept any money. He actually caught a barracuda with that borrowed pole. That sucker had some sharp teeth and getting it off the hook was quite tricky. Unfortunately I had left the camera inside so he couldn't have a picture taken with his catch.
                                 Our original destination had been Key West, but I was tired of driving so we ended up in Islamarada. I'm glad we stopped there because it turned out to be the best vacation spot I have ever been.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

It Takes A Village

                                 My hometown is actually considered a village. It is very small and everyone knew everyone - still do in fact. You couldn't get away with a whole lot because there was always someone who knew your parents. I can remember one morning my father asked me what my car was doing sitting in the parking lot of one the local bars at three o'clock in the morning. For just a moment I thought "How the heck does he know?" but then I remembered that he knows all the cops and of course they know who I am. I was in college at the time, but still lived at home - technically an adult, but Dad still wasn't happy.
                                   There were less than 100 kids in my graduating class and it was one of the biggest classes before or since. Nowadays the classes are about half the size. The school system is small so there weren't some of the opportunities the big schools offer, but we got a good education and we didn't have some of the problems that the big city schools had.
                                 It was the type of town that as kids you couldn't wait to leave, but when you start a family of your own you want to move back to raise your kids. A lot of people I know have done this and not too long ago there was a waiting list to find a home for sale as many people who left wanted to return.
                                   Our parents didn't drive us to our friends houses or drop us off at practice, we walked or rode our bikes. The only way you got a ride to school is if it was raining cats and dogs. It only took about twenty minutes to walk from one end of town to the other. We would spend hours walking around, stopping to talk to someone at the ice cream place or watch the guys play basketball on the courts by the park. 
                                   In the winter we would go sledding on the hills in the park or go ice skating in the outdoor rink in the center of town. During the summer months we would head to the park for movie night. When we were little we would sit on blankets, eat popcorn and watch the movie with our friends and parents. As teenagers we would hang out on the edges to see and be seen, sometimes sneaking a smoke thinking we were so cool.
                                    Every year there was a festival over the fourth of July that still goes on today. It would be kicked off by a parade that the entire village turned out for. We would ride the rides-all six of them over and over, eat fair food and win gold fish that died the next day. We ran freely over the "fair grounds" thinking were so lucky to not have our parents watching over us. It wasn't till we were older that we realized that if our own parents weren't watching us everybody else's was and all our parents had to do was ask a passerby where we were or poke their head out of the booth they were working too see us. 
                                      It's still a nice place to live. My parents and a number of my friends are still there. I don't live far and visit often. My kids go to the festival every year and they both have friends that they go to visit frequently. I sometimes think about moving back, but I like my neighborhood and even though I have a lot of great memories, I wonder if reality can hold a candle to those memories.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Someone I Admire

                               A friend that I admire. That's a tough one for me. Not because I don't admire any of my friends- I do, but each of them have different traits that I admire making it hard to choose just one of them.
                              For instance my friend Marie lost her husband a year and a half ago. Several months later she was involved in an auto accident that left her unable to even get out of bed for months. She has since lost her job, her health insurance and her home that had been in her husband's family for years. Her in laws are in a position financially to help her, but choose not to. Everyday is a struggle for her just to walk with the aid of a walker and she still deals with excruciating pain, both physical and emotional. But everyday she wakes up believing that today will be better and still hopes for and works toward the day that she will be able to walk on her own, go back to work and have a home of her own again. Her spirit in the face of adversity is truly inspiring.
                               Then there is our friend  Sam, he is like a brother to Mr. D and myself and an uncle to our children. He is one of the most generous people I know and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for any of us or someone else in need. Recently a mutual friend died and his widow did not have the money to pay for his funeral. Sam helped her pay for the funeral with his own money even though he is strapped himself and helped organize a fundraiser to help with expenses.
                                  My friend Jen-former roomate , maid of honor and one of my oldest and dearest friends is the one who makes everyone laugh. She is the one who puts a smile on your face when you feel down and the one who can make you laugh at your self when your having a pity party and feeling all woe is me. She is also the friend I am most likely to get in trouble with.
                                 Patience is a quality I am not blessed with, but my sister Shannon has it in spades. When I am ready to blow my top and yell at the top of my lungs, she is the calm voice of reason. She is the one who thinks before she speaks, is willing to wait and doesn't lose her temper. I guess that's what makes her such a good teacher and able to home school and care for four of her own children. 
                                  I am blessed to have such admirable people in my life. I aspire to attain each of these qualities  even though I don't always succeed, but my life is richer thanks to each of them.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Late To The Party

                               I decided to go with the Q&A that's been going around lately for my latest post since I'm still sorting out what I had originally planned. Since I'm starting this a little late I will start with the first three answers on the list then hopefully update everyday.

A place I'd like to travel ...I  have wanted to visit Ireland ever since I can remember. I love that Irish brogue accent and the stories of faeries. I want to roam the Irish country side and have a pint in an Irish pub. Ireland has such a rich history and being an Irish girl I would love to see where my ancestors came from.

Favorite movie... There are so many movies I love and they are from different genres so I'll just list a few. Sixteen Candles, The Bells of St. Mary's and Going My Way( I love Bing Crosby), Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, the African Queen and The Lord of The Rings and the list goes on.

Something I never leave the house with...I never leave the house without my keys. I can't very well drive anywhere without them and if I'm not the one driving I may have to let myself in the house quickly to run to the bathroom and I don't have time to wait for someone else to fiddle with their keys to unlock the door.

Now I'm off to call my little sister and wish her Happy Birthday. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

He Thinks I'm Beautiful

                                                   I was looking forward to getting my hair done today. The split ends are awful not to mention my roots- I'm a natural blonde,but mother nature just needs a reminder every six weeks or so and I'm noticing more gray so letting it go is just killing me.  I've been putting it off because I didn't want to spend extra money on non necessities until my claim was approved and I knew I'd have the extra money. I was getting so desperate I almost bought hair color to do it myself at home. I once let my mom highlight my hair at home years ago and it didn't go well at all. I had to pay my hairdresser to fix it which cost me more money, so it's worth it to pay her in the first place. I did take the scissors to my bangs though and I don't think they came out too bad- well at least they're not hanging in my eyes anymore.
                                 The moment I knew that my claim was approved I made the appointment and arranged my schedule to accommodate it. As I'm getting ready to head out the door my hairdresser called to say her little one was sick and she had to take him to the doctor. She felt really bad because she knew that I had put off this appointment and that I was chomping at the bit to get my hair done. I told her not to worry about it, just take care of her little one and we'd reschedule.
                                  Of course after I got off the phone I let out a few expletives and complained that my hair looks like crap and what am I going to do, I can't wait another week. Mr. D  just shook his head and told me that I looked fine. " I look like hell!" I said " just look at my roots and my hair won't do anything, it's too long and frizzy!" 
                                  I'm usually not a vain person, but I do try to take some pride in my appearance. I have issues with my self image and I am trying to work on that. I'm trying to eat healthier and lose weight, but that change isn't going to happen overnight. My hair is something I can make look good now and if it looks good maybe people won't notice my other flaws so much. It sounds silly and shallow I know , but it is what it is.
                                   As I lamented about the fact that the gray was showing and I had to wait even longer my husband tried to cheer me up. "Look at it this way, you're going gray and you still got laid. You're still beautiful to me." I mumbled something along the lines of he was just saying that to make me feel better when he stood in front of me and looked me in the eye and said "I said you're beautiful and that is that... end of story."
                                    The way he looked at me I knew he meant it. I won't run out and buy a box of hair dye or scramble to find a hairdresser to do me today. Yes I'll still cover the gray, but I won't worry about it as much and I'll wait till I can reschedule the appointment whenever that is. It doesn't seem as earth shatteringly important now. My husband thinks I'm beautiful and that is what's important.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Triple Whammy

                                                     I wasn't sure what I was going to post today. I didn't really feel I had anything particularly interesting going on and I thought perhaps I would post the latest meme going around. It seemed like a fun way to share something about myself and I always enjoy learning about others here in blogland. But as I was relaxing last night perusing all of your posts I was hit with a triple whammy and any thoughts of sharing fun facts about myself went right out the window.
                                  First I headed over to Ponyboy's. The heading on his post saying goodbye should have given me a clue. I thought he was just letting us all know he and his wife were heading off on their vacation and he would fill us in when he got back.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that he was saying goodbye for good, closing up shop and shutting down his blog. I was blindsided, this was not the post I was expecting to read.
                                  As I scrolled down the comments I got yet another shock, a real one two punch. Not only is Ponyboy leaving, but so are Mr. No Name and Faerie. Say it ain't so I thought, but lo and behold when I ran over to Mr. No Names his post left no question that he was indeed retiring from the world of blogging and Faerie's comment pretty much said the same thing.
                                  It was with a heavy heart that I trudged over to Faerie's and what she posted said enough for me to know that she  was leaving this community too. Three  bloggers gone in one day!
                                   Now I know that I haven't been around long and I have never met any of them, but after hanging around on the fringes at first as a lurker and then as a blogger I felt as if I were just getting to know them. I didn't always comment, but I read their posts faithfully and would frequently share something or other from their blogs with my husband.
                                        I always got a little something out of their posts. Sometimes they would make me laugh or just smile and others would bring a tear to my eye. Some of their writings made me think hard about how I felt about certain things and made me view them in a completely different light. I even learned something on occasion.
                                      All three of these people were ( and I'm sure still will be) interesting, thought provoking and entertaining. I for one will miss them as I'm sure many of you will to. I wish them all well and hope that they don't stay away forever, even if it's just to drop in and comment on other's blogs now and then.                                                           

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Better Than Roses

                                                 When I was younger I placed a lot more emphasis on Valentines Day. I wanted romance and grand gestures and frequently I ended up disappointed. As I've gotten older I've placed less importance on all the hoopla surrounding this holiday and find myself pleasantly surprised more often then not.
                                    He doesn't surprise me with expensive presents and I don't make reservations at some fancy restaurant. We might exchange cards, sometimes he'll get me roses- though not red he thinks red roses are overdone. I might cook a nice meal or order out( he frequently jokes that the best thing I make is a phone call.) This year it was pizza, we've been making a real effort to eat healthier and haven't had pizza in months so it was a real treat and he was thrilled .
                               This year instead of roses he surprised me with something less traditional. The other day I called him shortly before I left work and he sounded awful. He rarely gets sick, but this afternoon he could barely talk and was going to take a nap. Besides feeling bad for him I was a little disappointed because I knew we'd have the house to ourselves for a few hours and had hoped that we could take advantage of that opportunity. When I got home he was sound asleep on the couch and the bottle of Nyquil was out of the cabinet. He woke up a few hours later and looked up at me trying to smile and asked "How you feeling Babe?" 
                           I told him I was just fine and asked him how he felt and while almost coughing up a lung he tells me "I feel great. "Then he looks around to make sure the kids aren't around and tells me to go into our bedroom and look under the pillow, he bought me a present. "But Valentines Day isn't for a couple days yet."
                            "Close enough" he said "now go." Yes sir! Off to the bedroom I go wondering what I'll find. With butterflies in my stomach I lift one of the pillows and find a bag with a long thin handled riding crop sticking out. Oh my- I don't know whether to squeal with excitement or run for the hills. I've wondered about trying a crop, but have also been rather intimidated by it. It took me a few moments to open the bag and actually take the riding crop out of the bag and really look at it. Okay not too scary I think, I can handle this it won't be too bad- I hope. At least I won't have to worry about it for at least a few days with him not feeling well. Then I look in the bag and find a new flogger, similar to the other one we have, but with longer falls and a bottle of massage oil. Way better than roses!
                               When I came out to the living room he asked me if I got the text he sent me at lunchtime."No" I told him "and I don't remember seeing a text message when I called you later." I checked my phone and sure enough there was a text. Actually I'm glad I didn't see it at work. I would have been sitting in a puddle and would have been more disappointed and really frustrated that his plans for me had to be put on hold. Apparently he had been thinking along the same lines as me until he started to feel sick.
                                  Fortunately he was feeling better today and he just couldn't wait to try out his new toy. That riding crop stung like hell. Of course it always seemed to land on the same damn spot! I have a spot on my right cheek that seems to be more sensitive and he just loves to find that spot over and over. After a while he brought out the new flogger which was very nice and then he switched to the leather belt. My bottom was as red as that heart shaped box of chocolates and had such a nice warm glow afterwards that I felt for the rest of the afternoon. Oh yes- way better than roses.

Sunday, February 10, 2013


                                                   Tomorrow morning I start light duty- woohoo! I'll be in a completely different environment then I'm used to and definitely out of my comfort zone, but I'm trying to look at it as a new experience and one step closer to getting better. It was also a good excuse to buy new shoes since I needed a nice pair of low heeled shoes to wear with slacks and dresses.
                                     My youngest took the opportunity to go shopping with me so we could check out prom dresses. We have a tendency to but heads when we shop together. My input isn't usually appreciated, it seems like anything I pull is automatically rejected because if Mom likes it has to be awful and she thinks she looks fat or just plain horrible in everything. She has no idea how beautiful she is and it just pains me to hear how critical she is of herself. I hate to admit it, but that's something she's learned from me. I have my own issues with self image and unfortunately that's rubbed off on her. But today was a good day for us, she showed me the dress she had been considering and found two more (Mom's picks) that she really liked. 
                                 Since I'm returning to work and we'll have less time together Mr. D and I took the time to get out the other night, attending a benefit for the family of a friend of ours who recently died. I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in quite awhile, had a really good time and helped raise money for Butch's family. It was rather bittersweet, the benefit was a success and his widow was so touched that so many of Butch's friends came together to help out their family, but he is still gone and the money that was raised won't bring her husband back.
                                   Occasions like this tend to make you want to hold onto your own loved ones a little tighter and that is what Mr. D and I did when we got home. He put is mark on me in a number of places other than my behind, not leaving bruises, but reddened areas that are just now fading. I was left in a puddle afterwards and he had to help steady me when I finally went to get up because my legs were like jello. It was a very intense reaffirmation of our love and commitment to one another, a reminder that life is too short not to show the one you love just how much they mean to you.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

One Of Those Days

                              . Today started out normal, just like any other day... then I got out of bed. It started with the phone call to HR. I had hoped that since my first two phone calls were in the afternoon and all I got was the woman's voice mail I would have better luck catching her in the morning. My Dr. has released me to work light duty and I realize there is no guarantee that they will find something for me to do, but at least return my phone call so I know where I stand. With my luck she'll claim I never contacted her and I'll be marked as a no show or they won't pay me because I had been released to work light duty.
                                  The next phone call was to another person in HR, who handles injury claims. She tells me she hasn't had a chance to complete her investigation into my claim. It's been almost a month- I have filled out all the necessary forms some of them twice, my Dr. has filled out his forms, BWC has done their part and are allowing my claim. All of this was set in motion within an hour or so of my injury so they've had all the necessary info for weeks. At this rate I will be back to work in full swing before I receive payment and that's if they rule in my favor. I've kept copies of everything and have kept a written record of my phone calls.
                                After these frustrating phone calls I check my calender and realize that PT for today is at 8:30 not 10:00 ( it's now 8:35) I call and apologize and explain that I mixed up my days. No problem they tell, me just come in at ten. Unfortunately I only made it half way there. In the middle  of one of the busiest intersections my vehicle decided to die at the red light. My van was running smoothly, wasn't making any funny noises, but for some reason it just died and wouldn't start again. I put on my flashers, called Mr. D, called PT to let them know I wouldn't be there and waited.
                                While I waited for my husband and the tow truck- with my flashers on mind you- I watched car after car pull up behind me then honk their horn at me when the light turned. Didn't they see my flashers? They could have easily pulled into the other left hand turning lane - there are two left hand turning lanes at this intersection.They could have easily gone into the other lane, but noooo, they just had to pull up behind me then angrily honk their horns and then flip me off or yell as they drove around me.I hope this isn't going to be an expensive repair- this is an added expense I don't need right now.
                                I'd like to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head or pour myself a good stiff drink, but I don't have any booze in the house. Since neither option is really viable I'll just rant here instead. Hopefully the afternoon or at least tomorrow will be better. I know that in the big scheme of things this is trivial and I know things could be worse, I have a lot to be grateful for. Thanks for listening and I hope you all have a good day.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Injured Reserve

                                  There's really not much going on around here lately. I'm getting rather bored actually what with limited activity, not driving for awhile and not working. I t's not so much that I miss work,  it's just that with not getting out of the house much and not being able to do as much as I want, things can get rather boring. 
                                Things are looking up though, I'm driving again and doing more. I may even be able to return to work on light duty this week. I'll probably be stuck in some cubby hole scanning documents or something equally as boring.
                                    Doc wants me to have three more weeks of physical therapy and they still won't allow me back on the bike( Doc wants no resistance till I' m fairly well healed.) At least Mr. D has been using the bike regularly so one of us is getting their exercise.
                                    Things have been pretty vanilla for the most part. Mr. D is hesitant - he's afraid of hurting me worse. I can't say I blame him, but I've assured him that I know what I can and can't do and that I have no problem letting him know if  somethings too much. He did manage to give me a long spanking while the kids were at the movies. He said he is holding back, but warned me that once I'm healed look out, I'll wish I were still on the injured reserve list. Oh my - I can still feel a warm glow on my bottom from my spanking earlier, I wonder how it will feel when he's not holding back. The sooner I heal the sooner I'll find out.


Monday, January 28, 2013

My Very First Award

                     I'm so excited! Elle fromelle's world  and Tori from  Pain's Pleasure nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award. I don't know how inspiring I've been, but I do know that  I have been inspired by my fellow bloggers. You have inspired me to be more open, to explore another side of myself and have offered me words of encouragement when I needed a boost.

                       I realize that some of you have already been nominated and some of you don't like to participate in these things, so I won't be offended if you choose not to participate.For those of you who choose to participate here are the rules.
                      1. Display the award logo on your blog.
                       2.Link back to the person nominating you(I think I have figured this out ,but if the link doesn;t work I apologize.)
                       3. State 7 things about yourself.
                       4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them.
                        5. Notify these other bloggers and give them the award requirements.
                          Since I was nominated twice I'm going to list 14 things about myself rather than do this twice.
                          1. I wear glasses- can't see a damn thing without them.
                           2. I have 3 siblings.
                            3. I am the oldest of my siblings.
                            4. I don't drink coffee- can't stand the stuff.
                            5. I grew up in a small town.
                            6. I have 3 dogs.
                            7. I am NOT a cat person.
                            8. My favorite color is blue.
                            9. I love to read.
                            10. I used to be a Girl Scout.
                            11. I love to swim even though I rarely get to because I don't have access to a pool.
                             12. I can be very bossy sometimes, just ask my siblings.
                             13.I tend to be impatient.
                             14. I have known my best friend since kindergarten.
                             Now for the blogs I have nominated. If I have left anyone out I am sorry.
                             1.ShelbyCrossWriter Hers was the first blog I came across and I've been hooked ever since.
                              2Fondles @ Fondler's anonymous
                             3.Faerie @ faerie learns to fly
                             4.Faithful @ faithful2master
                              5.Anna May @ Diary of a Submissive Woman
                             6. Cassaundra @ Cassaundra with a collar.
                              7. Mrs. Soft Bottom @ Life under a firm hand.
                             8. Hislilangel @ An Angelic Submissive.
                               9.Morningstar @ The Journey.
                             10.Abby @ Finally finding me.
                             11. Florida Dom @ Florida Dom's Corner.
                             12.Fiona @ SirQ and Me.
                             13.Conina @ Exploring surrender.
                             14. His(un)submissiveYoungLady
                                           15.Roxanne Rawlings
                                These are just some of the bloggers who have inspired me in one way or another. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspire me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

What You Least Expect

                                     Sometimes life takes us where we least expect it.If someone had told me two years ago- hell even a year ago ago that my husband and I would be exploring a D/s relationship I would have told them they were crazy. Me, submissive? No way in Hell! Yet here we are doing just that.
                          From the beginning of our marriage I have been the responsible one. I've been the one who plans ahead and reminds everyone what they need to do. I'm usually the voice of reason and the one who worries what other people will think, something that has held me back in more ways than one. My husband on the other hand has always been a "fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy." He let me handle and worry about things while he went about his business. This caused a lot of friction between us in the past. I envied his laid back attitude and resented his seeming lack of concern for all sorts of things. 
                           But things change. People mature and relationships grow. Over the years he has become more responsible and stable. He's still spontaneous and I now recognize his laid back attitude as a calmness and an ability to accept things and people as they are and "not sweat the small stuff" as he puts it. Because of this I've been able to trust him more.
                          This trust has allowed me to open up to him about things I never knew I wanted. I still struggle with expressing what I want- I worry that it's wrong and I become embarrassed, but since placing my trust in him he is able to draw me out of myself and guide me in this journey. When I become overwhelmed and feel out of control I am able to lean on him in ways I was never able to before. I've noticed that he is more protective of me and I am more willing - even happy to do things he asks me to instead of becoming irritated.
                                He has always been confident, but I believe that my trust in him and willingness to lean on him has made him more confident and allowed him to be more dominant. I know that his dominance has allowed me to let go somewhat( something I'm still working on) and experience another side to myself. 
                                I expected to be entering middle age with a decrease in libido due to impending menopause and mourning the fact that our children will soon be leaving the nest. Instead my husband and I are experiencing a new and exciting sex life and while I'm in no hurry for the kids to move out just yet, I am looking forward to more time alone with my husband. Sometimes what we least expect is exactly what we need.

Friday, January 18, 2013

An Exercise In Submission

                      Today is payday, which is usually a very busy day for me. It usually involves a trip to the bank, the gas station, the grocery store and whatever other errands that need done. The house also needs more attention than what it has gotten this week. Trust me no one will ever accuse me of having OCD when it comes to housework, but when things get to a certain point even I start to freak out a little.
                     Mr. D questioned whether or not I would be able to handle sitting upright in the vehicle or hobbling about the grocery store for that length of time, but I was bound and determined that with him driving and helping me I was going to accomplish my usual tasks. Unfortunately by the time I was showering later in the morning I realized that Mr. D was right - I wasn't going to be able to do everything I wanted and I was going to have to allow him and the kids to handle some of these things for me for a little while longer.
                       It's not that I love grocery shopping , but it's always been my responsibility and I' m in control of what my family eats, how much we spend etc. I don't like giving up this control, I want to hold onto something that is usually mine and decide for myself what I can and can't do. I want to get up and just do it myself, whatever it is.
                          It dawned on me in the shower that this injury is a type of exercise in submission. I have to learn to let some things go and lean on Mr. D. I have to trust that he'll take care of what needs done and that  it's okay if things aren't done my way.
                         I told Mr. D how I was feeling and apologized for being crabby. He assured me that I wasn't useless and that he would have something for me to do later on, perhaps another exercise in submission?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


                                As bored and frustrated as I am right now recovering from this injury, I have to say I am very grateful for Mr. D and the kids for their help and concern. Everyone has stepped up for the most part and with little to no complaint. Is everything getting done and getting done exactly the way Mom wants? No, but the important things are being taken care of.
                               Dirty laundry isn't piling up, but the  clean clothes need to be brought upstairs so they can be folded and put away. The kids got the grocery shopping done minus only 2 items, one they were out of and the other was because the line at the deli was too long. The store was busy and it was something we could do without so no harm done. They've kept the house picked up, but I'm itching to have the rugs shook out and a good sweeping done- maybe that's something Mr. D can help me with later this afternoon. My wonderful husband has cooked everyday, he even made a delicious turkey dinner on Sunday and has done the dishes a couple of times( which he made a point to tell the girls about.)
                                They've all been good about letting me know that I shouldn't feel guilty about asking for their help and even try to anticipate my needs asking if I need anything before they head out the door or the other end of the house. Sometimes the kids seem so self absorbed, but I guess the lessons about caring for and helping others  got through.  
                                 Mr. D has gone above and beyond in my opinion. I needed help the first few days just to get myself up and down and being in a sitting position was next to impossible without him supporting my upper leg, so needless to say his assistance was needed in the bathroom where I would have much rather had my privacy. Sorry if that's TMI. I had a meltdown, apologizing and crying  because I was frustrated and embarrassed.  He just hugged me and told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about and that he was just doing for me what I would do for him.
                                 We haven't been able to have any playtime, but he did manage to give me a "therapeutic spanking just to get the circulation going" when I complained that my butt was numb. It was brief and light, but playful and it made me smile. It was nice  that we could still connect in some small way.
                                I don't know how much longer I will have my activity limited or how long everyone will be willing to happily take care of things, but right now I'm grateful that my family has been so wonderful , caring concerned and helpful. I 've always considered myself blessed to have them, but now I realize just how blessed I really am.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

                                         Why is it that when things seem to be going along smoothly something always happens to muck things up? I haven't increased my time on the exercise bike yet, but I have increased the RPM's. I have ridden the bike faithfully everyday- that is until yesterday.
                             Unfortunately the other night at work I did a one legged split in the hall, and of course I had an audience to witness me go down. Two very nice strong gentleman kept offering to help me up, but I needed a few moments to catch my breath and get myself in a sitting position so that they could even assist me into a wheelchair.  
                             After a trip down to the ER, an x-ray of the knee, and a shot of Demerol the Dr. informed me that I had most likely pulled or tore my hamstring. Mr.D got a 4 am phone call to come and collect me. He normally sleeps like a rock, but for some reason he was awake when I called. He said that something  woke him around 2:30 and he  thought about calling me, but didn't want to bother me if I were busy.
                                We made it home, but getting out of the vehicle, up the steps and into the house was another story. My neighbors if they were up at 5:00 probably think I'm nuts because there I sat in the driveway crying with my husband holding me. Any time I tried to move my leg it went into spasms and and the pain was horrible. Eventually with the help of our neighbor Dan we made it into the house and to the recliner where I've remained for the last 2 days. 
                               I'm hoping that with some rest, ice and anti-inflammatories things will improve over the weekend. I hate having to depend on everyone to help me up and down and my butt's getting numb from sitting so much. We'll see what the doctor has to say on Monday, but until then no work, no exercise and no playtime. I guess I'll try to catch up on some reading and watch a lot of crap TV and try not to let this setback get me down.

Monday, January 7, 2013

A Rule Not A Resolution

                                             I quit making New Years Resolutions years ago. I never keep them, so what's the point? Oh I may say I'll try to do this or stop doing that, but I don't make an actual resolution. I don't commit myself to anything that way I don't fail. But this year things are a little bit different.
                                                I have a resolution this year. I did not make this resolution myself mind you , it was made for me by Mr. D., although he's calling it a RULE not a resolution. I am to do 15 minutes on the exercise bike everyday or there will be consequences. I know 15 minutes isn't a lot , but it's just a starting point. The goal is to get up to 30 minutes at least tree times a week.
                                                He is apparently serious about this. He placed the bike in the alcove in the living room instead of downstairs in the rec room. No way for me to cheat and say I rode the bike when I was downstairs while I'm actually watching TV. He put a note on the fridge that says " I WANT MY 15 MINUTES." No way for me to say I forgot. And he's keeping track by recording my time in a day planner.
                                                  What are my consequences you ask? I asked the same thing. His first response was "You don't want to know."
                                                   I explained to him that I did need to know, he needed to be clear on what the consequences were to be.
At first he decided that a good caning would be my punishment, but I pointed out to him that the seat was already uncomfortable and it might be very difficult to ride the bike with welts on my ass. He agreed saying he didn't want me  squirming  too much while trying to ride the bike and fall off and hurt myself so he would think on it and get back to me. Me and my big mouth. Chances are the more he thinks the worse the consequence will be.
                                                    At least I don't have to do this alone. He has decided that he will also use the bike and is keeping track of his progress to. With his help and him making me accountable for my actions this may be one New Years rule I will keep.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Where Did He Go?

                                     The kids were gone , one at work the other at school and I had just finished my last post when Mr. D said "Find us something on the radio to listen to." As I leaned over the table and chose a radio station I felt whack!whack!Whack! on my backside. I immediately jumped up and saw Mr. D wooden spoon in hand. "That sucker really hurts, you think we might start with a little warm up?" I asked. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! again with the wooden spoon. "How's that for warm up?"
                                     He led me to our bedroom and instructed me to undress and I eagerly complied. As I undressed he said nothing just stood there stoically. I leaned over the bed as he pulled out his "bag of tricks" which holds the rope, cuffs and floggers. Then he came to stand next to me and said "On your knees, Me first." I got down on my knees and looked up at him. There was no playful smile on his face, no endearing tone to his voice when he said "Hold out your arms for me" and proceeded to place a pair of handcuffs about my wrists.
                                      When he was satisfied that the cuffs were secure and not too tight so as to cut into me he simply said "You may begin." I took his cock into my mouth and began to lick and suck him. After several moments he held my head in place as he fucked my face and all I could think was Where did he go? Where did my loving husband who kissed me softly and whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he made love to me last night go? He had been replaced by this hard dominating man-he had been replaced by Sir.
                                       After a time he instructed me to stop. He helped me to stand, but only because it was hard to get my bearing with the handcuffs on. "Onto the bed " he commanded "Face down ass up." I climbed onto the bed and scooted forward a little so that my feet weren't hanging off the bed then tried to lower myself as slowly as I could so that I didn't fall face first into the mattress. He then began to spank my bottom first with his hand and then the leather paddle. I was starting to feel a nice warm glow on my ass when he said"Sit up straight." I managed to get myself up right but being on a mattress and having my wrists cuffed I was a little wobbly and must have looked panicky at the thought of falling back off the bed because I felt a hand at my back gently steadying me and then I heard him say "It's okay I"ve got you, I won't let you fall."
                                      Ah - I thought there he is, but only for a moment because the next thing I knew he was tweaking one of my nipples with one hand and smacking my ass with the other. Then he said very casually "I still have those clothes pins in the nightstand." CLOTHES PINS! I definitely did not like the clothes pins . My eyes got as big as saucers  and he got an evil grin on his face and said "Oh I definitely think I should get the clothes pins." I whimpered and he started to laugh, but he  agreed no clothes pins and told me "I just wanted to see the look on your face."
                                        He continued  his assault on my behind with his hand , the flogger both the stingy and the  heavy thuddy one , the wooden spoon and the leather paddle. I have no idea how long he spanked me when he finally asked "Would you like fucked?" I simply shook my head yes, but he was having none of that. "You have to ask" he told me . I barely whispered "Please fuck me Sir." He smiled and said "Good girl" as he released the handcuffs and proceeded to give me what I asked for.
                                        We were lying afterwards, me on top of him my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my shoulders and neck telling me I was his good girl and that he loved me, when I thought there's my loving husband the tender gentle man I know. He didn't go anywhere he was right with me all along.

Friday, January 4, 2013

A Belated Happy New Year

                                    First off I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year- I know I'm a little late, it's just been a busy week. Second I would like to thank Bonnie from My Bottom Smarts for adding me to this years new blogs. She posted a number of new blogs and some good advice for those of us who are new to blogland. Blogging has turned out to be such a positive experience and I am amazed that this community has been so welcoming and supportive.
                                     A year ago I would have never seen myself on this path that Mr. D and I have started down let alone write about it. I am so glad I found this community and hope that this time next year I will still be here and will have given back as much as I have gained from my fellow bloggers.I would love to visit longer, but Mr. D is waiting on me and says he has plans. He's been "threatening" a spanking since last night so I better not keep him waiting any longer.
                                                     Mrs. D