Thursday, April 25, 2013

Want vs. Need

                              Sometimes the line between wanting something and needing it becomes blurry. If I want something badly enough does that mean I need it? 
                               I used to wonder if being submissive to my husband and allowing him to dominate me was something I really needed or just something that I thought I wanted. Do I really need him to set limits for me? I am an adult after all and I know what I should and shouldn't do. I should be capable of handling the responsibilities of home, kids, work,finances,health issues ( my own and those of other family members) right? Well yeah - up to a point.
                             Sometimes I need him to remind me of things I need to do and give me consequences. I have a tendency to get distracted and "forget." Sometimes I take on too much at once and I need him to take on more or make me slow down and take a step back. At times I need him to make the decisions because I don't always make the right choices or I'm just too tired,stressed or overwhelmed at the moment. It takes a load off my shoulders and allows me to breathe.
                                  There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and I start spiraling out of control. These are the times I really need him to step in and take control. It may just be sending me to bed because I've worked all night and I'm freaking out because I'm trying to catch up on housework or laundry or something else that I feel "needs" done. And there are other times when I'm stressed that yes  I need a good "beating." It gets me out of my own head, lets me forget about all the crap and releases the stress that I'm carrying around. I feel so relaxed afterwards and sleep so much better. Who needs ambien?
                                  I need him to push my limits and not just sexually. Sometimes I become complacent or just don't act out of fear or worry. I worry about what other people will think, or that I'll look stupid or worse yet that I will fail. I can get stuck in the same damn place for too long and it isn't always a good place to be. 
                                     There are some people who just seem to be able to do it all and make it look so easy. They're organised and always put together. They seem to be on top of everything and not much ruffles their feathers. I'm not one of those people. I'm far from helpless and I don't need to be micromanaged - Mr. D has no patience for managing all the little details of my day to day existence - but I feel I need his dominance in order to grow and function better. 
                            Wanting to explore a D/s relationship has turned into needing his dominance. It has helped with my self confidence and made me feel more wanted and important to him. There was a time not too long ago when I didn't feel as if he still wanted me and I felt as if I wasn't a priority and feeling important and wanted is definitely something I need. 
                                The added bonus is because I feel more secure and cared for I am more able to give him what he wants and hopefully what he needs. I am less irritable, angry and bitchy and in turn I'm not only willing to do for him I'm happy to do so. Pleasing him has become not just something that I want, but something I need because it makes us both happy and I don't just want us to be happy I need for both of us to be happy.

Monday, April 15, 2013


                                               I haven't gone anywhere, just been busy. In fact I should be getting my house cleaned and catching up on laundry, but I haven't had much of a chance to read more than a blog post here and there let alone write one. I've had a few thoughts for a post , but just never seem to have the time to sit down and put them together. Today is no different, so if it sounds as if I'm rambling I apologize.
                            Mr. D started his new job two weeks ago and we're all trying to adjust to the new schedule. We're used to him having more flexibility. Barely two weeks into his new job and I've been released to return to full duty which means we'll be working opposite shifts again. I'm hoping that once his benefits kick in I'll be able to find something else that will allow me work normal hours. I've considered leaving steady nights, but would then have to rotate shifts and my co-workers who would have to pick up more nights would probably revolt.
                             I have mixed feelings about being back to work at full capacity. I'm still slower than I want(need) to be and I still have a fair amount of pain in my hip and knee and we are so understaffed that I hope I can keep up. The doctor has put PT on hold for now, but says we'll reevaluate in two weeks. I think I can still benefit from therapy, my leg definitely needs to get stronger.
                              Things are pretty vanilla around here for the moment and probably will be until we get adjusted to the new routine. I guess we'll just have to get more creative and make the most of the time that we can manage to carve out together.