Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Thank You

                                         I'm just now getting to use my computer today since my youngest has hijacked it. It's crunch time for her with the end of the school year and she's had several papers to write. I started to reply to everyone's comments and decided to heck with it I'll comment in a post.
                                    Thank you all for your support and all the cyber hugs, I really needed that. We did get a chance to talk briefly over the weekend and it went well. I let him know that I was feeling neglected and he acknowledged that he had been neglecting that part of our relationship. I also let him know how his seeming lack of interest and the fact that the lack of intimacy doesn't seem to phase him makes me feel. He assured me that he's still very interested and it bothers him too and asked that I be patient while he makes the adjustment with the new job. He also seemed quite amused by the fact that I've been "frustrated" by this dry spell.  His eyes actually lit up and he got a wicked grin on his face when I told him how frustrated I was. 
                                 Just knowing that he understands where I'm coming from and that he's also feeling a little frustrated goes a long way in reassuring me and calming my fears. I know I shouldn't doubt him or us, but sometimes those old insecurities rear their ugly heads. I am getting better at beating them back. Before I would have sulked for awhile and lashed out at him, but as everyone reminded me communication works much better. There were no arguments, tears or nasty remarks and we even got a chance to play  a little and reconnect. So thank you all once again for reminding me to do what I should have done in the first place.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Rejection Sucks

                               I hate the way I feel right now. I'm angry and sad and  I feel neglected and unwanted, much like I used to feel a lot of the time. I realize that there is going to be a period of adjustment with his new job, but does that mean that pretty much everything grinds to a halt and for how long?
                              Here I sit on a Friday night, our youngest is  spending the night at a friends, our oldest is out with her boyfriend and I don't have to go to work. We should be enjoying each other and taking advantage of an empty house, but here I sit all alone upset and frustrated. I never stood a chance he was asleep on the couch before I made it out of the shower. Last week was the same -after we saw our youngest off to prom ( she looked beautiful by the way) I told him we had the house to ourselves for several hours and his response was "Sorry honey I'm just too tired."
                             I'm tired too, but I still need that connection and rejection really sucks. Then I feel guilty because I should be more understanding. He gets up early and has to work all week, but you know what? So do I and I'm still willing and wanting. 
                                I'm trying to be patient, but that's easier said than done. There has to be some balance here. He has to realize that the longer this part of our relationship gets put on the back burner the longer it takes to get back. Feelings of resentment build up and they become harder to deal with. 
                                 I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to feel this way anymore. It hurts too much and I don't like the person I become. I've got to find a way to make him understand without complaining or whining, but I feel as if that's what he"ll hear when I try to talk to him and I'm afraid of being rejected again when I try to initiate any intimacy. It becomes a vicious cycle - I get rejected, then I don't try and I become angry with him because he isn't initiating intimacy and everything breaks down.
                                 I used to think if we were working the same shift it would help, but even the nights I'm home he doesn't seem interested. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope we find it soon because I really don't want to go down this road again. I want to get back to the place we were before and feel safe and secure once again.                         

Monday, May 6, 2013

Girls Night Out

                              My girls and by my girls I mean my two daughters don't often get a chance to do things just the three of us. My oldest may still live at home, but she's got a life of her own. Between her job, her friends and the boyfriend sometimes it seems as if "home" is just a crash pad. I get to spend more time with my youngest, but even that time gets less and less as she gets older, so when it was announced that one of our favorite bands was coming to town we jumped at the chance to have a mother/daughter night out.
                               We're lucky to have a decent sized venue to attract some good music groups even though our town isn't all that big. Every few years this band comes through and since the first time we saw them we make a point to catch them whenever they come to town.  Last time we saw them we swore that next time we would be down on the floor so we could move about and dance more easily, but Mr. D ordered the tickets and he wanted me to be able to sit if my leg started to bother me. I promised the girls that next time we will be on the floor no matter what.
                                We all had a good time while Dad and the boyfriend were left to fend for themselves. Not to worry they survived without us and my girls and I got a chance to bond. Today things are back to normal, the girls are back to their own lives and Mom is on the sidelines, but I'm left with a nice memory until the next time.
                          This is one of the songs they preformed last night. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.
                            Shinedown " I'll Follow You Down." 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Want vs. Need

                              Sometimes the line between wanting something and needing it becomes blurry. If I want something badly enough does that mean I need it? 
                               I used to wonder if being submissive to my husband and allowing him to dominate me was something I really needed or just something that I thought I wanted. Do I really need him to set limits for me? I am an adult after all and I know what I should and shouldn't do. I should be capable of handling the responsibilities of home, kids, work,finances,health issues ( my own and those of other family members) right? Well yeah - up to a point.
                             Sometimes I need him to remind me of things I need to do and give me consequences. I have a tendency to get distracted and "forget." Sometimes I take on too much at once and I need him to take on more or make me slow down and take a step back. At times I need him to make the decisions because I don't always make the right choices or I'm just too tired,stressed or overwhelmed at the moment. It takes a load off my shoulders and allows me to breathe.
                                  There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and I start spiraling out of control. These are the times I really need him to step in and take control. It may just be sending me to bed because I've worked all night and I'm freaking out because I'm trying to catch up on housework or laundry or something else that I feel "needs" done. And there are other times when I'm stressed that yes  I need a good "beating." It gets me out of my own head, lets me forget about all the crap and releases the stress that I'm carrying around. I feel so relaxed afterwards and sleep so much better. Who needs ambien?
                                  I need him to push my limits and not just sexually. Sometimes I become complacent or just don't act out of fear or worry. I worry about what other people will think, or that I'll look stupid or worse yet that I will fail. I can get stuck in the same damn place for too long and it isn't always a good place to be. 
                                     There are some people who just seem to be able to do it all and make it look so easy. They're organised and always put together. They seem to be on top of everything and not much ruffles their feathers. I'm not one of those people. I'm far from helpless and I don't need to be micromanaged - Mr. D has no patience for managing all the little details of my day to day existence - but I feel I need his dominance in order to grow and function better. 
                            Wanting to explore a D/s relationship has turned into needing his dominance. It has helped with my self confidence and made me feel more wanted and important to him. There was a time not too long ago when I didn't feel as if he still wanted me and I felt as if I wasn't a priority and feeling important and wanted is definitely something I need. 
                                The added bonus is because I feel more secure and cared for I am more able to give him what he wants and hopefully what he needs. I am less irritable, angry and bitchy and in turn I'm not only willing to do for him I'm happy to do so. Pleasing him has become not just something that I want, but something I need because it makes us both happy and I don't just want us to be happy I need for both of us to be happy.

Monday, April 15, 2013


                                               I haven't gone anywhere, just been busy. In fact I should be getting my house cleaned and catching up on laundry, but I haven't had much of a chance to read more than a blog post here and there let alone write one. I've had a few thoughts for a post , but just never seem to have the time to sit down and put them together. Today is no different, so if it sounds as if I'm rambling I apologize.
                            Mr. D started his new job two weeks ago and we're all trying to adjust to the new schedule. We're used to him having more flexibility. Barely two weeks into his new job and I've been released to return to full duty which means we'll be working opposite shifts again. I'm hoping that once his benefits kick in I'll be able to find something else that will allow me work normal hours. I've considered leaving steady nights, but would then have to rotate shifts and my co-workers who would have to pick up more nights would probably revolt.
                             I have mixed feelings about being back to work at full capacity. I'm still slower than I want(need) to be and I still have a fair amount of pain in my hip and knee and we are so understaffed that I hope I can keep up. The doctor has put PT on hold for now, but says we'll reevaluate in two weeks. I think I can still benefit from therapy, my leg definitely needs to get stronger.
                              Things are pretty vanilla around here for the moment and probably will be until we get adjusted to the new routine. I guess we'll just have to get more creative and make the most of the time that we can manage to carve out together.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Another First

                                                           Mr. D and I have experienced a lot of firsts in our relationship, but this last year we have had a lot more new experiences and firsts . This weekend we attended our first munch and visited a dungeon and play party.
                                                      We had dinner at a restaraunt in a community about an hour from where we live and met a number of very nice people. Most of the people were close to our age or a little older which surprised me a little, I had visions of a bunch of 20 somethings. There's nothing wrong with people in their twenties, but we definitely felt more comfortable and less self conscious being in a group of strangers that included people closer to our age. The woman I sat next to was very helpful. She knows people in the community in our city and was able to give me contact information so we could attend a munch right at home. We talked quite a bit and she explained to me that she is an owned and collared slave who has been with her Master for five years. She is also a nurse and nurses are very trustworthy- take my word for it.   She put me very much at ease as did everyone we got a chance to talk to.
                                                     After dinner we headed over to the "dungeon" and stayed for the party. I got to witness electrical play and the participants were very gracious about answering my questions and I even got to experience a little jolt ( just touching hands briefly- I wasn't brave enough to jump in and play.) There were a few people doing fire play and one of them also incorporating cupping. Mr. D has always had a fascination with fire and was definitely interested in learning more about the technique. I found him and  one of the gentleman   in deep conversation about this very subject and he suggested we attend an event where someone he considers to be highly skilled will be demonstrating.
                                                          Mr. D was also very interested in seeing the St. Andrews cross up close. He has a number of large 1x6's that he's been itching to use in a project. I have no idea where we'll keep a St. Andrews cross, but I suppose if he decides to make one he'll find a place.
                                                              All in all it was a very interesting evening, definitely different than our usual night out. It was nice to meet other people who are interested and  experienced in some of the things that interest us and I hope to see and have a chance to talk with them again.                      

Monday, March 18, 2013

When The Bottom Falls Out

                             Subdrop is one of those topics you come across occasionally. It was something I had read about a few times, thought okay and then filed the information away somewhere in my brain and then never really gave much thought to it again.
                            Then it happened to me and at first I couldn't figure out what the heck was happening. I felt shaky, not shaking, but off kilter not right.Initially I thought I was having a reaction to medication- I had this type of reaction before to certain meds- but I hadn't taken any medication. It was rather disconcerting. I felt restless and weepy even though I wasn't sad, hell I had just been almost euphoric a short time ago.
                            My poor husband wasn't sure what to do for me and I wasn't sure what to tell him. Fortunately that tucked away information started to come to me and I was able to recognize that what I was feeling was a form of subdrop.  One of us had to pick up our youngest from school and since I wasn't in any shape to drive   that left him. I felt the best thing to do was curl up in bed and try to sleep it off. He tucked me in and brought my phone to me in case  I needed anything. 
                           I felt somewhat better when I woke up and first thing the next morning, but that afternoon I was irritable and short with everyone, the fact that the kids weren't being as cooperative as I would have liked and he yelled at me along with the kids didn't help.
                              Over the next several days I wouldn't say he was distant, I think he was just hesitant to be physical because he was nervous about what had happened. Wanting him to know I was fine I decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and show him. All it took was me asking "Hey how would you like a blow job?"
                                   That one little question was all it took. Afterwards we snuggled and talked about what had happened. We discussed the fact that we had played for a longer time than normal and had pushed some new boundaries. He said the scariest thing for him was having to leave me alone when I was in that state and we discussed allowing more time for aftercare when we have a long intense session. He also joked about keeping chocolate handy. I won't object, who can say no to great sex followed by chocolate? I also realize that I should at least have a light meal earlier and stay well hydrated before and after- play on an empty stomach probably isn't a good idea.
                              I've done a lot of research on the internet concerning ttwd and have found this blogging community to be the best resource. It was from reading fellow blogger's posts that I was able to recognize and deal with my episode of subdrop. I'm not looking forward to it happening again, but think I'll be better prepared thanks to the information that this community has provided.