I hate the way I feel right now. I'm angry and sad and I feel neglected and unwanted, much like I used to feel a lot of the time. I realize that there is going to be a period of adjustment with his new job, but does that mean that pretty much everything grinds to a halt and for how long?
Here I sit on a Friday night, our youngest is spending the night at a friends, our oldest is out with her boyfriend and I don't have to go to work. We should be enjoying each other and taking advantage of an empty house, but here I sit all alone upset and frustrated. I never stood a chance he was asleep on the couch before I made it out of the shower. Last week was the same -after we saw our youngest off to prom ( she looked beautiful by the way) I told him we had the house to ourselves for several hours and his response was "Sorry honey I'm just too tired."
I'm tired too, but I still need that connection and rejection really sucks. Then I feel guilty because I should be more understanding. He gets up early and has to work all week, but you know what? So do I and I'm still willing and wanting.
I'm trying to be patient, but that's easier said than done. There has to be some balance here. He has to realize that the longer this part of our relationship gets put on the back burner the longer it takes to get back. Feelings of resentment build up and they become harder to deal with.
I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to feel this way anymore. It hurts too much and I don't like the person I become. I've got to find a way to make him understand without complaining or whining, but I feel as if that's what he"ll hear when I try to talk to him and I'm afraid of being rejected again when I try to initiate any intimacy. It becomes a vicious cycle - I get rejected, then I don't try and I become angry with him because he isn't initiating intimacy and everything breaks down.
I used to think if we were working the same shift it would help, but even the nights I'm home he doesn't seem interested. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope we find it soon because I really don't want to go down this road again. I want to get back to the place we were before and feel safe and secure once again.