Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Thank You

                                         I'm just now getting to use my computer today since my youngest has hijacked it. It's crunch time for her with the end of the school year and she's had several papers to write. I started to reply to everyone's comments and decided to heck with it I'll comment in a post.
                                    Thank you all for your support and all the cyber hugs, I really needed that. We did get a chance to talk briefly over the weekend and it went well. I let him know that I was feeling neglected and he acknowledged that he had been neglecting that part of our relationship. I also let him know how his seeming lack of interest and the fact that the lack of intimacy doesn't seem to phase him makes me feel. He assured me that he's still very interested and it bothers him too and asked that I be patient while he makes the adjustment with the new job. He also seemed quite amused by the fact that I've been "frustrated" by this dry spell.  His eyes actually lit up and he got a wicked grin on his face when I told him how frustrated I was. 
                                 Just knowing that he understands where I'm coming from and that he's also feeling a little frustrated goes a long way in reassuring me and calming my fears. I know I shouldn't doubt him or us, but sometimes those old insecurities rear their ugly heads. I am getting better at beating them back. Before I would have sulked for awhile and lashed out at him, but as everyone reminded me communication works much better. There were no arguments, tears or nasty remarks and we even got a chance to play  a little and reconnect. So thank you all once again for reminding me to do what I should have done in the first place.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Rejection Sucks

                               I hate the way I feel right now. I'm angry and sad and  I feel neglected and unwanted, much like I used to feel a lot of the time. I realize that there is going to be a period of adjustment with his new job, but does that mean that pretty much everything grinds to a halt and for how long?
                              Here I sit on a Friday night, our youngest is  spending the night at a friends, our oldest is out with her boyfriend and I don't have to go to work. We should be enjoying each other and taking advantage of an empty house, but here I sit all alone upset and frustrated. I never stood a chance he was asleep on the couch before I made it out of the shower. Last week was the same -after we saw our youngest off to prom ( she looked beautiful by the way) I told him we had the house to ourselves for several hours and his response was "Sorry honey I'm just too tired."
                             I'm tired too, but I still need that connection and rejection really sucks. Then I feel guilty because I should be more understanding. He gets up early and has to work all week, but you know what? So do I and I'm still willing and wanting. 
                                I'm trying to be patient, but that's easier said than done. There has to be some balance here. He has to realize that the longer this part of our relationship gets put on the back burner the longer it takes to get back. Feelings of resentment build up and they become harder to deal with. 
                                 I don't want to go backwards and I don't want to feel this way anymore. It hurts too much and I don't like the person I become. I've got to find a way to make him understand without complaining or whining, but I feel as if that's what he"ll hear when I try to talk to him and I'm afraid of being rejected again when I try to initiate any intimacy. It becomes a vicious cycle - I get rejected, then I don't try and I become angry with him because he isn't initiating intimacy and everything breaks down.
                                 I used to think if we were working the same shift it would help, but even the nights I'm home he doesn't seem interested. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope we find it soon because I really don't want to go down this road again. I want to get back to the place we were before and feel safe and secure once again.                         

Monday, May 6, 2013

Girls Night Out

                              My girls and by my girls I mean my two daughters don't often get a chance to do things just the three of us. My oldest may still live at home, but she's got a life of her own. Between her job, her friends and the boyfriend sometimes it seems as if "home" is just a crash pad. I get to spend more time with my youngest, but even that time gets less and less as she gets older, so when it was announced that one of our favorite bands was coming to town we jumped at the chance to have a mother/daughter night out.
                               We're lucky to have a decent sized venue to attract some good music groups even though our town isn't all that big. Every few years this band comes through and since the first time we saw them we make a point to catch them whenever they come to town.  Last time we saw them we swore that next time we would be down on the floor so we could move about and dance more easily, but Mr. D ordered the tickets and he wanted me to be able to sit if my leg started to bother me. I promised the girls that next time we will be on the floor no matter what.
                                We all had a good time while Dad and the boyfriend were left to fend for themselves. Not to worry they survived without us and my girls and I got a chance to bond. Today things are back to normal, the girls are back to their own lives and Mom is on the sidelines, but I'm left with a nice memory until the next time.
                          This is one of the songs they preformed last night. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.
                            Shinedown " I'll Follow You Down."