Feeling Confused

                                                  I'm feeling confused today, which anyone who knows me will  tell you is nothing new. But today my confusion is different, I should be happy and grateful that Mr. D and I seem to be on the same page, but I'm also frustrated with myself  and sad for my husband because for years I've been unknowingly denying him an important part of himself.
                                                     Like most people I was ignorant to what BDSM, D/s ttwd or whatever you want to call it was really about. I had visions of leather and whips and chains and people willingly allowing themselves to be tortured or humiliated for the gratification of others.To each his own I thought, but definetly not for me.Then I read a book or books - yes you know the ones I'm talking about and my curiosity was piqued. I started to read and research about BDSM and D/s and realized that my preconceived notions were way off base and something about all of this spoke to me.
                                                        Mr. D started to notice subtle changes such as my newfound enthusiasm for giving him blowjobs. He saw one of the books on the end table and asked if I wanted him to cuff me. I paused for a moment then said "May be not handcuffs, they might be too cutting, but..." He just shook his head and chuckled saying "This from the girl who panics if she gets caught up in the sheets."
                                                          I continued to research and drop subtle hints. I was too embarrassed to come right out and ask him to do these "wicked things" to me and I didn't want him to think I was nuts. I worried that he would see this as all about me and what I want. Then last night he dropped a bombshell.
                                                        We had the house to ourselves and I had just finished baking. Unfortunately I royally screwed up this batch of cookies and Mr. D informed me that I should be punished for ruining his cookies. Now he wouldn't really punish me for messing up a batch of cookies, it was just an excuse to play and I happily played along.Afterwards he made an offhand remark that got me thinking so I asked him if he had always thought about this. "Who doesn't think about it- who doesn't want to do dirty things?" Fair enough, we all have fantasies that are just that- fantasies.
                                                        I kept thinking about what he had said and started to wonder if he seriously wanted more all these years. After my shower I sat across from him and asked if this is something he has always wanted. He shrugged and somewhat jokingly, but also somewhat sadly said "It's kind of hard to find someone who will let you tie them up and beat them." I think my heart broke right then. I know what he meant. He doesn't want to harm or beat the shit out of me- he has never hit me in anger. But to be honest if he had said THAT  to me years ago I probably would have run screaming and obtained a restraining order. thankfully I know better now.
                                                    Part of me is so happy that we are enjoying our playtime and he is always coming up with something new and creative. Then there is the other part that feels bad that he was unable to express his needs to me. It saddens me that he didn't feel that he could tell me what he wanted and needed or explain  it to me in a way that wouldn't frighten me off. And then I think maybe I was just too uptight to understand and rather than scare me away he kept his desires to himself. It saddens me to think of all the years we wasted and how my narrow views of the world may have hampered the growth of our relationship and made my husband feel as if his needs and desires were wrong or unimportant.
                                                     The more I think about this the more upset I become. I feel in some way that I have failed him. I know in many respects I've been a good wife, I've backed him in his job choices even when I had misgivings and I've never been one of those wives to say "not tonight I have a headache" . But I can't help but feel as if I somehow I have let him down. He has said nothing remotely like that, but I know how rejected, sad, and alone I would feel if he had not been willing to explore this new dimension in our relationship.
                                                   I only hope that now his needs are being met and that in the future neither one of us will be too embarrassed to speak up. Life is too short and although we've had a pretty good run so far we need to communicate better so that each of us gets what we need.
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