Sometimes the line between wanting something and needing it becomes blurry. If I want something badly enough does that mean I need it?
I used to wonder if being submissive to my husband and allowing him to dominate me was something I really needed or just something that I thought I wanted. Do I really need him to set limits for me? I am an adult after all and I know what I should and shouldn't do. I should be capable of handling the responsibilities of home, kids, work,finances,health issues ( my own and those of other family members) right? Well yeah - up to a point.
Sometimes I need him to remind me of things I need to do and give me consequences. I have a tendency to get distracted and "forget." Sometimes I take on too much at once and I need him to take on more or make me slow down and take a step back. At times I need him to make the decisions because I don't always make the right choices or I'm just too tired,stressed or overwhelmed at the moment. It takes a load off my shoulders and allows me to breathe.
There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and I start spiraling out of control. These are the times I really need him to step in and take control. It may just be sending me to bed because I've worked all night and I'm freaking out because I'm trying to catch up on housework or laundry or something else that I feel "needs" done. And there are other times when I'm stressed that yes I need a good "beating." It gets me out of my own head, lets me forget about all the crap and releases the stress that I'm carrying around. I feel so relaxed afterwards and sleep so much better. Who needs ambien?
I need him to push my limits and not just sexually. Sometimes I become complacent or just don't act out of fear or worry. I worry about what other people will think, or that I'll look stupid or worse yet that I will fail. I can get stuck in the same damn place for too long and it isn't always a good place to be.
There are some people who just seem to be able to do it all and make it look so easy. They're organised and always put together. They seem to be on top of everything and not much ruffles their feathers. I'm not one of those people. I'm far from helpless and I don't need to be micromanaged - Mr. D has no patience for managing all the little details of my day to day existence - but I feel I need his dominance in order to grow and function better.
Wanting to explore a D/s relationship has turned into needing his dominance. It has helped with my self confidence and made me feel more wanted and important to him. There was a time not too long ago when I didn't feel as if he still wanted me and I felt as if I wasn't a priority and feeling important and wanted is definitely something I need.
The added bonus is because I feel more secure and cared for I am more able to give him what he wants and hopefully what he needs. I am less irritable, angry and bitchy and in turn I'm not only willing to do for him I'm happy to do so. Pleasing him has become not just something that I want, but something I need because it makes us both happy and I don't just want us to be happy I need for both of us to be happy.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
STILL HERE
I haven't gone anywhere, just been busy. In fact I should be getting my house cleaned and catching up on laundry, but I haven't had much of a chance to read more than a blog post here and there let alone write one. I've had a few thoughts for a post , but just never seem to have the time to sit down and put them together. Today is no different, so if it sounds as if I'm rambling I apologize.
Mr. D started his new job two weeks ago and we're all trying to adjust to the new schedule. We're used to him having more flexibility. Barely two weeks into his new job and I've been released to return to full duty which means we'll be working opposite shifts again. I'm hoping that once his benefits kick in I'll be able to find something else that will allow me work normal hours. I've considered leaving steady nights, but would then have to rotate shifts and my co-workers who would have to pick up more nights would probably revolt.
I have mixed feelings about being back to work at full capacity. I'm still slower than I want(need) to be and I still have a fair amount of pain in my hip and knee and we are so understaffed that I hope I can keep up. The doctor has put PT on hold for now, but says we'll reevaluate in two weeks. I think I can still benefit from therapy, my leg definitely needs to get stronger.
Things are pretty vanilla around here for the moment and probably will be until we get adjusted to the new routine. I guess we'll just have to get more creative and make the most of the time that we can manage to carve out together.
Mr. D started his new job two weeks ago and we're all trying to adjust to the new schedule. We're used to him having more flexibility. Barely two weeks into his new job and I've been released to return to full duty which means we'll be working opposite shifts again. I'm hoping that once his benefits kick in I'll be able to find something else that will allow me work normal hours. I've considered leaving steady nights, but would then have to rotate shifts and my co-workers who would have to pick up more nights would probably revolt.
I have mixed feelings about being back to work at full capacity. I'm still slower than I want(need) to be and I still have a fair amount of pain in my hip and knee and we are so understaffed that I hope I can keep up. The doctor has put PT on hold for now, but says we'll reevaluate in two weeks. I think I can still benefit from therapy, my leg definitely needs to get stronger.
Things are pretty vanilla around here for the moment and probably will be until we get adjusted to the new routine. I guess we'll just have to get more creative and make the most of the time that we can manage to carve out together.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Another First
Mr. D and I have experienced a lot of firsts in our relationship, but this last year we have had a lot more new experiences and firsts . This weekend we attended our first munch and visited a dungeon and play party.
We had dinner at a restaraunt in a community about an hour from where we live and met a number of very nice people. Most of the people were close to our age or a little older which surprised me a little, I had visions of a bunch of 20 somethings. There's nothing wrong with people in their twenties, but we definitely felt more comfortable and less self conscious being in a group of strangers that included people closer to our age. The woman I sat next to was very helpful. She knows people in the community in our city and was able to give me contact information so we could attend a munch right at home. We talked quite a bit and she explained to me that she is an owned and collared slave who has been with her Master for five years. She is also a nurse and nurses are very trustworthy- take my word for it. She put me very much at ease as did everyone we got a chance to talk to.
After dinner we headed over to the "dungeon" and stayed for the party. I got to witness electrical play and the participants were very gracious about answering my questions and I even got to experience a little jolt ( just touching hands briefly- I wasn't brave enough to jump in and play.) There were a few people doing fire play and one of them also incorporating cupping. Mr. D has always had a fascination with fire and was definitely interested in learning more about the technique. I found him and one of the gentleman in deep conversation about this very subject and he suggested we attend an event where someone he considers to be highly skilled will be demonstrating.
Mr. D was also very interested in seeing the St. Andrews cross up close. He has a number of large 1x6's that he's been itching to use in a project. I have no idea where we'll keep a St. Andrews cross, but I suppose if he decides to make one he'll find a place.
All in all it was a very interesting evening, definitely different than our usual night out. It was nice to meet other people who are interested and experienced in some of the things that interest us and I hope to see and have a chance to talk with them again.
We had dinner at a restaraunt in a community about an hour from where we live and met a number of very nice people. Most of the people were close to our age or a little older which surprised me a little, I had visions of a bunch of 20 somethings. There's nothing wrong with people in their twenties, but we definitely felt more comfortable and less self conscious being in a group of strangers that included people closer to our age. The woman I sat next to was very helpful. She knows people in the community in our city and was able to give me contact information so we could attend a munch right at home. We talked quite a bit and she explained to me that she is an owned and collared slave who has been with her Master for five years. She is also a nurse and nurses are very trustworthy- take my word for it. She put me very much at ease as did everyone we got a chance to talk to.
After dinner we headed over to the "dungeon" and stayed for the party. I got to witness electrical play and the participants were very gracious about answering my questions and I even got to experience a little jolt ( just touching hands briefly- I wasn't brave enough to jump in and play.) There were a few people doing fire play and one of them also incorporating cupping. Mr. D has always had a fascination with fire and was definitely interested in learning more about the technique. I found him and one of the gentleman in deep conversation about this very subject and he suggested we attend an event where someone he considers to be highly skilled will be demonstrating.
Mr. D was also very interested in seeing the St. Andrews cross up close. He has a number of large 1x6's that he's been itching to use in a project. I have no idea where we'll keep a St. Andrews cross, but I suppose if he decides to make one he'll find a place.
All in all it was a very interesting evening, definitely different than our usual night out. It was nice to meet other people who are interested and experienced in some of the things that interest us and I hope to see and have a chance to talk with them again.
Monday, March 18, 2013
When The Bottom Falls Out
Subdrop is one of those topics you come across occasionally. It was something I had read about a few times, thought okay and then filed the information away somewhere in my brain and then never really gave much thought to it again.
Then it happened to me and at first I couldn't figure out what the heck was happening. I felt shaky, not shaking, but off kilter not right.Initially I thought I was having a reaction to medication- I had this type of reaction before to certain meds- but I hadn't taken any medication. It was rather disconcerting. I felt restless and weepy even though I wasn't sad, hell I had just been almost euphoric a short time ago.
My poor husband wasn't sure what to do for me and I wasn't sure what to tell him. Fortunately that tucked away information started to come to me and I was able to recognize that what I was feeling was a form of subdrop. One of us had to pick up our youngest from school and since I wasn't in any shape to drive that left him. I felt the best thing to do was curl up in bed and try to sleep it off. He tucked me in and brought my phone to me in case I needed anything.
I felt somewhat better when I woke up and first thing the next morning, but that afternoon I was irritable and short with everyone, the fact that the kids weren't being as cooperative as I would have liked and he yelled at me along with the kids didn't help.
Over the next several days I wouldn't say he was distant, I think he was just hesitant to be physical because he was nervous about what had happened. Wanting him to know I was fine I decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and show him. All it took was me asking "Hey how would you like a blow job?"
That one little question was all it took. Afterwards we snuggled and talked about what had happened. We discussed the fact that we had played for a longer time than normal and had pushed some new boundaries. He said the scariest thing for him was having to leave me alone when I was in that state and we discussed allowing more time for aftercare when we have a long intense session. He also joked about keeping chocolate handy. I won't object, who can say no to great sex followed by chocolate? I also realize that I should at least have a light meal earlier and stay well hydrated before and after- play on an empty stomach probably isn't a good idea.
I've done a lot of research on the internet concerning ttwd and have found this blogging community to be the best resource. It was from reading fellow blogger's posts that I was able to recognize and deal with my episode of subdrop. I'm not looking forward to it happening again, but think I'll be better prepared thanks to the information that this community has provided.
Then it happened to me and at first I couldn't figure out what the heck was happening. I felt shaky, not shaking, but off kilter not right.Initially I thought I was having a reaction to medication- I had this type of reaction before to certain meds- but I hadn't taken any medication. It was rather disconcerting. I felt restless and weepy even though I wasn't sad, hell I had just been almost euphoric a short time ago.
My poor husband wasn't sure what to do for me and I wasn't sure what to tell him. Fortunately that tucked away information started to come to me and I was able to recognize that what I was feeling was a form of subdrop. One of us had to pick up our youngest from school and since I wasn't in any shape to drive that left him. I felt the best thing to do was curl up in bed and try to sleep it off. He tucked me in and brought my phone to me in case I needed anything.
I felt somewhat better when I woke up and first thing the next morning, but that afternoon I was irritable and short with everyone, the fact that the kids weren't being as cooperative as I would have liked and he yelled at me along with the kids didn't help.
Over the next several days I wouldn't say he was distant, I think he was just hesitant to be physical because he was nervous about what had happened. Wanting him to know I was fine I decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak and show him. All it took was me asking "Hey how would you like a blow job?"
That one little question was all it took. Afterwards we snuggled and talked about what had happened. We discussed the fact that we had played for a longer time than normal and had pushed some new boundaries. He said the scariest thing for him was having to leave me alone when I was in that state and we discussed allowing more time for aftercare when we have a long intense session. He also joked about keeping chocolate handy. I won't object, who can say no to great sex followed by chocolate? I also realize that I should at least have a light meal earlier and stay well hydrated before and after- play on an empty stomach probably isn't a good idea.
I've done a lot of research on the internet concerning ttwd and have found this blogging community to be the best resource. It was from reading fellow blogger's posts that I was able to recognize and deal with my episode of subdrop. I'm not looking forward to it happening again, but think I'll be better prepared thanks to the information that this community has provided.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Catching Up
I just can't seem to keep up with this posting everyday, but I'm going to try to catch up a little here. I may end up abandoning it,but I'm willing to give it a go.
The next thing on the list is three inspirational quotes. I can never remember them, but here is one that I read recently and it stuck with me.
"When one door closes another opens. Or you can just open the door, that's how doors work."
Another quote that spoke to me was from a book by Maria Schriver. It was something her mom had told her growing up and as a working mother it spoke to me.
"You can have it all, just not at the same time." I know that's only two, but it's all I've got.
The next thing on the list is three inspirational quotes. I can never remember them, but here is one that I read recently and it stuck with me.
"When one door closes another opens. Or you can just open the door, that's how doors work."
Another quote that spoke to me was from a book by Maria Schriver. It was something her mom had told her growing up and as a working mother it spoke to me.
"You can have it all, just not at the same time." I know that's only two, but it's all I've got.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Our Song
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Best Vacation Spot
For me the best vacation spot was a little place in the Florida Keys. Mr. D and I had a chance to spend a few days in Islamorada some years BC (before children.) It was spring so it wasn't the tourist season, but the weather was gorgeous unlike back home where it was gray and rainy.
I remember walking down the street to a little thatch roofed open air bar and thinking it was so cool that instead of people driving and parking their cars they pulled up to the dock in their boats. The people were so friendly and quite a few of them were transplants from our neck of the woods. The bar boasted that it had the best view of the most beautiful sunset in the world and it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen.
I have fond memories of Mr. D and I making love in the swimming pool of our condo. Thankfully he had the foresight to disconnect the lights that were strung up above the pool area because another couple was out for a moonlight stroll. I don't think they saw much, but it was pretty obvious what was going on.
My husband decided with the ocean right in our backyard he had to do some fishing. Since he had no gear he went to a local store hoping to rent a fishing pole and tackle. The guy who owned the store told him he didn't have any fishing gear for rent so he lent Mr. D his pole and just asked him to return it when he was done. Mr. D kept trying to pay him, but the man wouldn't accept any money. He actually caught a barracuda with that borrowed pole. That sucker had some sharp teeth and getting it off the hook was quite tricky. Unfortunately I had left the camera inside so he couldn't have a picture taken with his catch.
Our original destination had been Key West, but I was tired of driving so we ended up in Islamarada. I'm glad we stopped there because it turned out to be the best vacation spot I have ever been.
I remember walking down the street to a little thatch roofed open air bar and thinking it was so cool that instead of people driving and parking their cars they pulled up to the dock in their boats. The people were so friendly and quite a few of them were transplants from our neck of the woods. The bar boasted that it had the best view of the most beautiful sunset in the world and it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen.
I have fond memories of Mr. D and I making love in the swimming pool of our condo. Thankfully he had the foresight to disconnect the lights that were strung up above the pool area because another couple was out for a moonlight stroll. I don't think they saw much, but it was pretty obvious what was going on.
My husband decided with the ocean right in our backyard he had to do some fishing. Since he had no gear he went to a local store hoping to rent a fishing pole and tackle. The guy who owned the store told him he didn't have any fishing gear for rent so he lent Mr. D his pole and just asked him to return it when he was done. Mr. D kept trying to pay him, but the man wouldn't accept any money. He actually caught a barracuda with that borrowed pole. That sucker had some sharp teeth and getting it off the hook was quite tricky. Unfortunately I had left the camera inside so he couldn't have a picture taken with his catch.
Our original destination had been Key West, but I was tired of driving so we ended up in Islamarada. I'm glad we stopped there because it turned out to be the best vacation spot I have ever been.
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